I’m hoping to have a new web site soon (soon being within the next year), but in the meantime, I should probably post several updates.
#1. I really love Greenpeace videos. In particular, these two below that I came across while researching a new story. I love that the first video and its accompanying campaign convinced Lego to stop incorporating Shell branded merchandise with their sets.
#4b. On the other hand, I think Crazy Ex-Girlfriend ended brilliantly — a riff on rom-coms + mental illness that ends with the lead happy and healthy and in love with her community of friends but not in a romantic relationship I loved that show. Such smart commentary on storytelling and romantic tropes. One of my favorite songs from the show: The End of the Movie. I just relistened the lyrics and now I must quote them at length because they are so good and so true and capture my feelings toward traditional narrative plots these days. “But real life isn’t a movie/ No, no, no/ You want things to be wrapped up neatly/ The way that stories do/ You’re looking for answers/ But answers aren’t looking for you / Because life is a gradual series of revelations / That occur over a period of time / It’s not some carefully crafted story / It’s a mess, and we’re all gonna die / If you saw a movie that was like real life / You’d be like, “What the hell was that movie about? / It was really all over the place.” / Life doesn’t make narrative sense.”
#5. My once-reluctant-reader daughter is now cruising through books! She is so proud, and I am so proud. She has the sweetest smile on her face when she tells me she finished another book. I am grateful to The Warrior cat series for helping her love reading chapter books and for Neal Shusterman’s Everlost books for the same reason.
#6. I’ve had a few stories published recently: “Games to Play at the End of the Anthropocene,” Terraform; “You,” The Sun (I really love this story – it feels like creative non-fiction to me on a lot of levels, even though daughters are growing wings in the piece); “The Glassblower’s Wife,” The Southern Review (Winter 2019); “What Will You Save Today?” The Sun; “You Are Our Witness,” The Sun; and “How To Kiss A Hojacki,” Fantasy & Science Fiction. Plus a kids story about stink bugs and dragons in the latest issue of Spider.
(reading update: Prairie Fires: the American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder (by Caroline Fraser) is AMAZING. One of the best non-fiction books I’ve ever read. Political, personal, gets at the mythic vs. reality of the landscape which is truly fascinating. I finished Karl Ove Knausgard’s My Strugglefinally! Loved that as well though I can’t seem to keep up with Knausgard’s output, as he keeps releasing new books. A Head Full of Ghosts (Paul Tremblay) – great psychological creepy thriller with a very rare inconclusive open-ended ending. I also have enjoyed losing myself in A Shepherd’s Life: Modern Dispatches from an Ancient Landscape (James Rebanks) and H is for Hawk (Helen Macdonald). I’m finding myself drawn more to reading non-fiction these days, and feel like the ideal sort of writing for myself would be speculative fiction written in a non-fiction style. There are not such stringent plot expectations with non-fiction that I find freeing.)
As I began to devote myself more fully to writing these past decades, I also found it useful–necessary?–to have something else to work on. Something I didn’t take quite as seriously as writing and perhaps with clearer criteria of “good” or “finished” or “success.” When I was in grad school for writing, I spent a lot of time in the darkroom with photography and found the visual a relief and very freeing. Eleven years ago I had kids, which in my mind qualifies for “something else to work on.” About 5 years ago I started running again and found running and training a dreamy place where I could work hard, exhaust myself, always know what to do, and improve (and also stand up! I get so tired of sitting…). It seemed the perfect pairing for life as a writer.
My relationship with running is a rather uneven one: I started running in 1994, ran happily until 1998, when I started training for a marathon, developed bad tendonitis in my ankle, and as I did not have health insurance or money, the only fix that worked was to stop running. I started running again in 2000, ran through 2004, did something to my knee, saw a doctor who told me to stop running, so I stopped running. Took 10 years off, started running again in 2014, and totally fell in love with running again. In late 2014, I injured myself (small tear in glute muscle) (small tear does not describe how much this hurt, I couldn’t really walk for some time). Did some PT, started running again a few months later and ran happily throughout 2015. I started weight training at the same time and working with a running coach in the hope that I’d prevent further injuries. I trained for a half marathon in early 2016 and actually ran a half marathon in May 2016. The day of the race was one of the happiest of my life. I loved the simplicity of that happiness, which was much less complicated than the happiness that comes with writing. I began training for another half marathon in the summer of 2016 but injured myself in early fall two weeks before the race (did something to my hip so I couldn’t really walk without intense pain for a while). I finally started running again in early 2017 after doing a lot of PT because my hip still hurt. My hip continued to hurt. In May 2017, finally, I could run without anything on my body hurting (yay!). So I began training for a fall 2017 race. In late August 2017, eight hours after I completed a beautiful morning run on Heart Lake Road in the Adirondacks, a few hours after summiting Algonquin Mountain during the solar eclipse with my family, minutes after I thought to myself, “Wow I’m finally feeling strong and uninjured again, this is great!” I fell (read about the accident here or on The Millions here), broke my ankle and fibula and tibia, got helicoptered off the mountain, and had emergency surgery in Saranac Lake around midnight.
While lying on the roots of trees and on the ground on the side of a mountain, with my leg at an awful ankle, my husband and kids gathered around me, helpful strangers gathered around me, I had a lot of frantic thoughts. One repeating thought was what about my race in October. Actually, it was more like, WHAT ABOUT MY RACE IN OCTOBER WHAT ABOUT MY RACE WHAT ABOUT RUNNING WHAT ABOUT MY RACE RUNNING RUNNING and so on. My husband said, “That isn’t what you need to be worried about right now.” He was more concerned with getting me off the mountain and making sure I could walk again. But as I waited for a forest ranger to descend from the sky in a helicopter and rescue me, I continued to worry about running and I raged about the possibility of me not running and I panicked about that possibility. This excessive worrying may sound odd to non-runners but is probably relatable to runners. When you are running, it’s what you do. If you love running, then having running taken away from you is really unthinkable. Once I got off the mountain and into the ER, I mentioned to pretty much everyone — nurse, doctors, surgeon, anesthesiologist–that I was a runner, and would I be able to run again? Everyone shared stories with me about injured athletes who recovered and were able to return to the sport they loved. A nurse shared that several years ago she had the same injury as I did, had similar surgery, and she just finished running a marathon. My surgeon told me that he was confident I would be walking okay by Christmas, running by Easter, and running well sometime after that.
Which is why I wanted to write about my experience here. Because out of all the people I spoke with along the way, the medical professionals and the other runners, and all the articles I read desperately online about people who had similar injuries, the narrative was always about regaining whatever had been lost. No one told me or hinted to me that some things might be lost for good.
I tried getting back to running. I tried very hard. First came walking with two crutches with only my right leg bearing weight, the left injured leg hovering several inches in the air. Then came a boot that could help me bear 20% of my weight when I used two crutches. Then a boot and one crutch. Then just the boot. Then no boot. I feel like I have a fairly high pain tolerance after giving birth to two children and especially lying on a mountain for several hours with three broken bones and no pain meds, but every step of this process hurt a lot. No one mentioned it was going to hurt so much and for so long. I became so tired of my leg hurting. I was tired of being unable to walk without pain. I was tired of pain. I began physical therapy shortly after I started walking without a boot, as I was walking with a limp and walking very slowly. I worked with a PT who specializes in gait. I learned how to walk down stairs again (that was crazy hard), and walk without limping, and finally walk at a fairly normal pace. This took 3-4 months of physical therapy twice a week, in addition to doing PT exercises 2-3 times a day every day. I saw my doctor every 4-6 weeks for xrays and status on the bone healing and I would ask, “Can I run yet?” and the he would say, “No, not yet.”
Late December 2017, 4 months after my accident, I was allowed to ride a bike again, and early February 2018, I was allowed to run. I enjoyed running for maybe half a second before I found out that it hurt. I was devastated to find even a minute of running hurt. Not just soreness but shooting pain every time I pushed off of my left leg. The pain was localized around the screws going through my ankle and the screw going into the top of my shin. I went back to my doctor and asked if he could remove all the hardware out of my leg. My doctor said no. Taking the rod out was a lengthy risky surgery. Taking all the screws out was risky as well as the rod wouldn’t be well-anchored anymore. But he said I could get out two screws, so I underwent another surgery in March, after which I was to do nothing really in order for the incision sites to heal.
Two weeks after the surgery, my doctor said I was ready to get back to exercising. He wanted me to run and jump and do weight bearing exercises on my leg to help the bone grow back stronger. I tried running for a few minutes after my appointment and was once again devastated to find that running, once again, still hurt. In fact walking had begun to hurt. After studying my leg for way too long, I figured out my left ankle seemed to be caving inward without the screws. I went back to my PT and he helped straighten my ankle out with orthotics and exercises. He told me to wait a few weeks before I tried running again to let the inflammation die down.
I did not try running again.
Hiking season was approaching. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to walk this summer without pain. Walking properly was already requiring so much thought and energy. I had spent most of the past two years wanting so badly to do something I couldn’t do, i.e. running, and this had been an emotionally draining process. If I looked ahead in the upcoming months, I could imagine months of aquajogging to ease back into running (you are tethered to a wall wearing a flotation device while you make a running motion with your legs in deep water–about as fun as it sounds), the elliptical machine to cross train, PT exercises, PT, and perhaps further injury. Emotionally, I didn’t have the energy to keep trying. When my kind friends told me they were sure I’d get back to running in a month, or a few months, I explained no, I am not running again. I am never going to try running again.
Maybe my experience is the exception. Maybe everybody else who had a tib-fib-ankle break and ORIF surgery, or any kind of injury really, ends up getting back exactly to where they started, and they can hike happily and run happily and race and all that. Or else maybe those kinds of stories are the stories we seek out and the stories we encourage people to tell.
When I gave up running, it was a relief. It was awful. I realized life is okay without running and I miss running so much. I discovered yoga and that I like yoga. I like talking walks. I like riding my bike. I miss training for a race. My old running injuries, such as my hip, no longer ache. I’m no longer a runner. I will never run a race again.
I am trying to think that this, what I’m going through, can be a happy ending too, or at least a true ending. And maybe true endings have some happiness in them because they are true. I gave up running and realized I could give up running. I had an accident and realized my body is not going to be the same again. I suppose this is a realization everyone needs to make as they move through time–our bodies will not be able to keep doing what they could once do. But hopefully we’ll find new things we can do, and one of those new things may include the ability to let something we love go.
(publication update: I have a hiking story for kids in the April issue of Spider. The story is also mentioned, and I’m interviewed!, in this article here. I’ll have a few new stories coming out soon in Cicada, Gulf Coast, and The Southern Review. Stay tuned.)
(reading update: rereading The Power (Naomi Alderman), it is just as gripping the second time around; reading the Denis Johnson collection The Largesse of the Sea Maiden; and I’m wondering if this time is the time I am going to finish reading or even get half way through Karl Ove Knausgard’s My Struggle. I have read the beginning maybe 4 times but always get sidetracked. I really love the beginning.)
The Invention of Nature (by Andrea Wulf) has to be one of my favorite non-fiction books ever. It reads as part adventure tale, part travelogue, part explorer journal, part science history, part environmental awakening. Also, it’s stunningly written. For example: “One night, as the rain fell in torrents, Humboldt lay in his hammock fastened to palm trees in the jungle. The lianas and climbing plants formed a protective shield high above him. He looked up into what seemed like a natural trellis decorated with the long dangling orange blossoms of heliconias and other strangely shaped flowers. Their campfire lit up this natural vault, the light of the flames licking the palm trunks up to sixty feet high. The blossoms whirled in and out of these flickering illuminations, while the white smoke of the fire spiralled into the sky which remained invisible behind the foliage.” I can read and reread that passage and never tire of it.
The book both gives me hope in humanity and also makes me very sad. It appears we’ve known, or at least some people have known, for hundreds of years how humans are negatively impacting the planet in the name of progress. Humboldt observed in 1800: “When forests are destroyed, as they are everywhere in America by the European planters, with an imprudent precipitation, the springs are entirely dried up, or become less abundant. The beds of the rivers, remaining dry during a part of the year, are converted into torrents, whenever great rains fall on the heights. The sward and moss disappearing with the brush-wood from the sides of the mountains, the waters falling in rain are no longer impeded in their course: and instead of slowly augmenting the level of the rivers by progressive filtrations, they furrow during heavy showers the sides of the hills, bear down the loosened soil, and form those sudden inundations, that devastate the country.” Or in 1854, “Haeckel wrote that the ancients had felled the forests in the Middle East which in turn had changed the climate there. Civilization and the destruction of forests came ‘hand in hand’, he said. Over time it would be the same in Europe, Haeckel predicted. Barren soils, climate change and starvation would eventually lead to a mass exodus from Europe to more fertile lands. ‘Europe and its hyper-civilisation will soon be over,’ he said.” There are countless examples like these throughout the book Yet we have continued and still continue to, you know, ruin the world.
But here’s the hopeful part: the fact that people such as Humboldt and his intellectual descendants–Henry David Thoreau, Charles Darwin, George Perkins Marsh, Ernest Haeckel, and John Muir–have existed, and their beautiful brains have managed to provide us with a different way of thinking about the world and our relationship to the world, where everything, ourselves included, is interconnected. So maybe this can happen again, and someone, or more likely a group of people, can rethink our relationship to everything, and help us see the world and each other in a new light. (“‘Why ought man to value himself as more than an infinitely small unit of the one great unit of creation?’ Muir asked. ‘The cosmos,’ he said, using Humboldt’s term, would be incomplete without man but also without ‘the smallest transmicroscopic creature’.”).
Here’s how The Invention of Nature begins:
“THEY WERE CRAWLING on hands and knees along a high narrow ridge that was in places only two inches wide. The path, if you could call it that, was layered with sand and loose stones that shifted whenever touched. Down to the left was a steep cliff encrusted with ice that glinted when the sun broke through the thick clouds. The view to the right, with a 1,000-foot drop, wasn’t much better. Here the dark, almost perpendicular walls were covered with rocks that protruded like knife blades.
Alexander von Humboldt and his three companions moved in single file, slowly inching forward. Without proper equipment or appropriate clothes, this was a dangerous climb. The icy wind had numbed their hands and feet, melted snow had soaked their thin shoes and ice crystals clung to their hair and beards. At 17,000 feet above sea level, they struggled to breathe in the thin air. As they proceeded, the jagged rocks shredded the soles of their shoes, and their feet began to bleed.”
I mean, wow. I read that passage out loud to my husband, and then proceeded to read quite a lot of the book out loud to him–it’s a book of breathtaking details and surprising revelations that you must share with somebody.
I fell in love with Humboldt, of course, by the end, though I imagine or rather I know he would be irritated with any of my affections. Actually I fell in love with, well, all the scientists and environmentalists in the book. More specifically, I fell in love with Ernst Haeckel’s drawings. He became a scientist first, an artist second, and he was self-taught, so when I googled his illustrations, I was not expecting this.
Those are jellyfish. And here are some of the microscopic organisms he drew, sometimes with one eye pressed to the microscope, the other eye focused on his drawings.
These drawings to me demonstrate how amazing the natural world is, even the microscopic world. And in doing so, it reminds me of the enormous loss that occurs when any species goes extinct. Really, how could humans compete with this sort of beauty? In the very least, we should realize the jellyfish and the radiolaria are our equals. I could probably spend the entire day posting Haeckel’s drawings, but I will show some restraint, and instead refer you to this excellent article on The Public Domain Review. And this article too. And, okay, just one more Haeckel drawing.
My son, J., was a strong early reader and got bored with me reading to him way too early (my opinion, not his), so we began reading the same book tandem-style years ago. That’s how we read the entire Harry Potter series together, and we’ve since moved on to joint-read a lot of graphic novels (he often recommends ones for me to read) and mainly science fiction books (I usually recommend these).
He’s officially a tween now at 11.5, and some if not most of the books we’ve been reading are definitely from the TEEN shelves. One reason for that: it’s hard to find great sci-fi for middle grades (though it’s possible I just don’t know where to look). Tor.com published this essay about the lack of speculative fiction in the Newberry Award line-up over the years, and I agree. It seems like great fantasy books (which my daughter is into) are easier to come by for this age group than sci-fi (I’m thinking of The Girl Who Drank The Moon, Saavy, My Diary From The Edge of the World). But my son, for whatever reason, is into apocalypses, not dragons and magic. So when reading these books alongside J., I make sure to check in about the violence, romance, etc., and we discuss. Briefly. But brief discussions count!
Also, some context: I also grew up in a house where my parents didn’t care what I read (I mean this in the best way possible!). We kids were turned loose in the library and made our way through the stacks all on our own, without parent recommendation or guidance. So I grew up reading everything and loving all genres of books. 5th grade, when I was my son’s age, I discovered Stephen King. I spent the next few years dwelling in horror and whatever you want to call the V.C. Andrews books, before re-emerging into the light with large Russian novels for some reason. While I would not be super excited to have my son read Stephen King now, at his age…I mean, I turned out all right. Gave me nightmares, still gives me nightmares, but whatever. Anyhow, all this to say, just because The Hunger Games is about kids killing kids, and that sounds awful, it still can be a great book to read with your child, if both you and your child are ready for it.
Here’s a list of what we’ve been reading, in case you’re interested in starting up your own dystopian (and occasionally fantasy) book club for two.
The House of the Scorpion and its sequel The Lord of Opium, Nancy Farmer: the first book in this 2-book series is one of my son’s favorite books ever (“I just love her writing,” J. said). Sure, the novels deal with poppies, opium, and the drug trade (good time to have that conversation about addiction!), but the books also take place in a richly imagined future, dealing with some of the same cloning ethics that Never Let Me Go also dipped into. Also features a great, imperfect, headstrong, and complex boy hero. (By the way, I’m not saying to read Never Let Me Go with your tween. Please don’t.). J.’s rating: House of Scorpion, 5/5; The Lord of Opium: 5/5
Scytheand Thunderhead, Neal Shusterman: these are my favorite books that we’ve read together. Scythe has some pretty heavy themes and disturbing violence (the mass gleanings, man, those are hard for even me to read). But I think the books, at the same time, handle death and killing so respectfully–compared with, for instance, Star Wars violence, where you can shoot up dozen bad guys and it’s no big deal. The books brings up all these huge issues which have been great to talk about with J., such as, would you want to live forever? Would you want to be a Scythe? What kind of Scythe would you be? There’s also an interesting AI character, The Thunderhead, kind of a uber-Siri, who is trying to keep the world running smoothly but bad humans are getting in the way. I found Scythe by checking out the Printz Honor books (award for teen books by the ALA). J.’s rating: Scythe: 4.5/5; Thunderhead: 4.5/5
Pure(and the two follow-up books Burn and Fuse), Julianna Baggott: I was super excited about Pure, as it was on the beloved 100 Notable Books of the Year for the New York Times. When does a teen sci-fi book get to be on that list!?! It’s a well-written and deeply moving series set against the backdrop of a nuclear bombed out world. J.’s rating: Pure 4/5; Burn 4/5; Fuse 3.5/5
Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card: combines computer games, boarding school, bullying, outer space, aliens, and war! J.’s rating: 4.5/5
Divergent (and its sequelInsurgent), Veronica Roth: My son thought Divergent (book 1) was even better than The Hunger Games (and he really liked Hunger Games). I like that the series takes place in Chicago–go Midwest! There’s a strong female lead, score one for the team!, though the romance is kind of heavy (good time to have that conversation too). I would recommend skipping the third book in the series, Allegiant — the (controversial?) ending is bleak. Really bleak. Really, really bleak/sad. I’m all for depressing books but this felt like way too much and didn’t seem to fit the tone of the series. After this VERY WRONG THING happened, I ended up summarizing the rest of the book for J. and told him he might want to stop reading (he did). J.’s rating: Divergent 4/5; Insurgent 4/5; Allegiant, 3/5;
The Hunger Games (and its sequelsCatching Fire and Mockingjay) by Suzanne Collins: this was my second read through the series, Jasper’s first. They are enjoyably intense page turners that get political and revolutionary toward the end, though the Katniss, Peeta, Gale love triangle is——I’m just tired of love triangles. Let’s add some polyamory into teen books, please! J.’s rating: The Hunger Games 4.5/5; Catching Fire 4/5; Mockingjay 4/5
Nimona (2015 National Book Award finalist), J.’s rating 4.5/5;
Spill Zone (by Scott Westerfeldter of Uglies fame, another series I want to read with my son) (I remember quite a lot of the F word used in Spill Zone, another opportunity for yet another conversation with J. about language), J’s rating 4/5;
The Lottery graphic novel (yes! a graphic novel! illustrated by Shirley Jackson’s grandson! It gave me the chills watching J. interact with Shirley Jackson for the first time), J’s rating 4/5.
Arena (found this on the 2017 Alex Award list, an ALA award given to adult books that are of interest to teen readers–I’m not sure how these books will go over with J. but I’d like to try).
Books which didn’t work out for the club
Feed, by M.T. Anderson: this book has one of the best opening lines (“We went to the moon to have fun, but the moon turned out to completely suck.”) I love this book. Anderson also went to my MFA program a few years before me, which is really (too?) exciting for me. But the language was overly stylized for J. and he stopped reading after a few pages. Darn.
Lord of the Flies by William Golding: not exactly sci-fi but I think of it as a possible inspiration for The Hunger Games. My son refused to read it after encountering this sentence in the first paragraph: “All round him the long scar smashed into the jungle was a bath of heat.” Okay, yes, that is a weird sentence. What were you thinking, William Golding?! But darn.
Wizard of Earthsea: J. made it half-way through before losing interest. I love Ursula LeGuin deeply, but this book is not my favorite of hers. It is so serious and somber and almost flat. Maybe not the best suggestion on my part (I was hoping we would make it to future books in the Earthsea series, like The Tombs of Atuan, which I think is much better).
My son and husband made these drawings together while we were on a family vacation in the mountains. We were staying at a remote lodge that had very long dinners and we needed something to do to keep sane. I drew the frames, and my daughter and I contributed the titling.
(Publication news: a new portal story in The Sun(perhaps my last portal story for awhile – I am finally taking a break from them!); and a teen anti-hero fantasy story in the November issue of Cicada)
I’ve been thinking about this question lately–about this impulse we have, to turn really good books into TV shows or movies–as I’m rereading The Handmaid’s Tale after flying through the Hulu series. The TV show was good, the acting really good. But the book is so, so, so much better.
My main qualm with the TV show is the impulse to simplify June/Offred’s character into someone who hates Gilead with all her heart and is also a hero in making. June, in the TV show, protested the government takeover with other women at first. She dropped the stone that she was supposed to use to kill Janine. She struts with the handmaids in a visual display of (perhaps misguided) power. She seems a little special, maybe a little extraordinary. While in the book, she is much more complacent (and more complicit?) and complex (Atwood has described the character as “an ordinary, more-or-less cowardly woman (rather than a heroine.)” June/Offred hates the Commander but also seems to have pity for him or claims to. She doesn’t imagine herself saving anybody. She simply wants to stay alive. Her daughter is a distant memory, not an actual child she can save. Sometimes she even seems to buy into Gilead’s guarantee of safety and security for women. It’s not like things were perfect before power was seized. “Now we walk along the same street, in red pairs, and no man shouts obscenities at us, speaks to us, touches us. No one whistles. There is more than one kind of freedom, said Aunt Lydia. Freedom to and freedom from. In the days of anarchy, it was freedom to. Now you are being given freedom from. Don’t underrate it.”
June’s complacency seems in reaction to, and contrasts from, the political feminism of her mother, which is not applauded or found effective in the novel.
In the book, I was shocked to find June/Offred praying, maybe untraditionally, but it’s still a prayer to God, the same God that Gilead’s powerful is praying to (though June doesn’t think God intended what is going on: “I wish I knew what You were up to. But whatever it is, help me to get through it, please. Though maybe it’s not Your doing; I don’t believe for an instant that what’s going on out there is what You meant.”) Note that June/Offred’s daughter does not appear in her prayers. And the book has additional layers of complexity from the narrative frame: June is very conscious that her story is a reconstruction, and she admits she it is impossible to capture the actual event as it was: “It’s impossible to say a thing exactly the way it was, because what you say can never be exact, you always have to leave something out, there are too many parts, sides, crosscurrents, nuances; too many gestures, which could mean this or that, too many shapes which can never be fully described, too many flavors, in the air or on the tongue, half-colors, too many.” Occasionally she tells us a detail, then revises her story, saying that’s not really what she did, or what happened.
And the style of the book! It’s breathtaking: dreamy, beautifully written, at times a little surreal. Here’s one of my favorite paragraphs, which I have read and reread so many times–Atwood is such an expert at flow and the pacing of a sentence, at breathless run-on sentences but also making metaphoric jumps that capture a character’s emotional state.
“I pull her to the ground and roll on top of her to cover her, shield her. Quiet, I say again, my face is wet, sweat or tears, I feel calm and floating, as if I’m no longer in my body; close to my eyes there’s a leaf, red, turned early, I can see every bright vein. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I ease off, I don’t want to smother her, instead I curl myself around her, keeping my hand over her mouth. There’s breath and the knocking of my heart, like pounding, at the door of a house at night, where you thought you would be safe. It’s all right, I’m here, I say, whisper, Please be quiet, but how can she? She’s too young, it’s too late, we come apart, my arms are held, and the edges go dark and nothing is left but a little window, a very little window, like the wrong end of a telescope, like the window on a Christmas card, an old one, night and ice outside, and within a candle, a shining tree, a family, I can hear the bells even, sleigh bells, from the radio, old music, but through this window I can see, small but very clear, I can see her, going away from me, through the trees which are already turning, red and yellow, holding out her arms to me, being carried away.”
One struggle I had with the TV show–something I struggle often with narratives on the screen–is the format doesn’t seem to fit. The smooth panning camera shots, a soundtrack, the orchestrated walks of the Handmaid’s–it feels too polished. Some kind of rougher (documentary?) style seems called for. I wanted it to feel real rather than to feel like I was watching a larger budget TV show. And in the show, despite the voiceover in Offred/June’s voice, we are forced to become observers of Offred/June, rather than her confidant. How could it have been otherwise? Perhaps never showing us Offred’s face, but only showing what she sees (but then to not show the emotion on Elizabeth Moss’s face!). My final peeve with the show: why cast beautiful actors and actresses as non-beautiful characters? In the novel, Serena Joy and the Commander are oldish. Neither are remotely beautiful or handsome. Serena Joy’s nose “must once have been what was called cute but now was too small for her face. Her face was not fat but it was large.” She walks with a limp and needs a cane. The Commander is described as looking like “a retired museum guard.” Why turn Serena Joy into someone who looks like a young model, and have the Commander played by Joseph Fiennes? It could have been too easy to dislike them otherwise, I suppose.
Other movies or TV shows I crankily feel did not improve on the book: any of the Harry Potter movies (I thought Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them was way better than any of the movies based on the original HP books); The Road (I only made it halfway through this film); Wolf Hall (made it through 2 episodes); Arrival (based on the short story “The Story Of Your Life”)(though the movie Arrival is good, the short story is nearly perfect).
Still, I’m grateful that The Handmaid’s Tale show came out this year, if only because it got me, and apparently a lot of other people, to return to the book, which is now up there as one of my favorite novels.
Writing on antidepressants update: for my depression I have moved on from Lexapro to….Prozac (read initial write-up here). I did get up the courage to ask my new psychiatrist what about Wellbutrin (Lev Grossman’s anti-depressant of choice), though I realize that probably is one of the worst reasons to think a drug is good for you (because you like the author). But due to my past history with eating disorders, Wellbutrin is countraindicted for me, says my psychiatrist, which means….no. I was bummed, as Lev Grossman doesn’t take Prozac, and Prozac does not exactly have a great reputation in the media–in my mind, it is kind of the poster child of anti-depressant overuse or the numbing effect you hear stories about. But it is also supposed to be the most activating (I love this use of the word) of the SSRI’s. So far, after ditching Lexapro and taking a week of very low dose Prozac, I’ve noticed it’s harder to fall asleep at night, but at the same time I am no longer falling asleep at the computer while I write. Whoo-hoo! Or needing 2-3 crazy long naps during the day!! This is a very exciting development. Lexapro works great for a lot of people, my psychiatrist explained, but other people experience sedation/drowsiness as a side effect, and I happened to be one of those folks.
As with Lexapro, there is still a kind of muting of strong emotions with Prozac. I don’t find this necessarily an awful thing, as my personal life is a bit crazy right now, and staying calm or unbothered helps keep my depression from spiraling downward. Though I do miss having this urgent need to process and write about the shitty stuff that happens in my life. Before meds, after some huge family blow-up, I’d race to the computer and just plow out pages of pure grit and emotion that would usually end up being very dark but also very interesting to me. I find it a lot harder to channel that emotion now or to even want to record my crazy last week for a future story idea. On the good side, that distance is helping keep me functional. And also it’s easier to imagine writing about something other than myself. Downside: those emotions are what fueled my writing for the past few years. Maybe it will just require some extra effort. Suicidal ideation: even on meds, I’m still struggling with this, though to a slightly lesser degree. My therapist thinks a higher dosage might help. But higher dosages worry me, as already I’m aware of that distancing/muting effect. What’s helped this week is trying to clear my mind of all the repetitive thoughts and worry and negative stuff, and forcing myself instead to think of 1 small thing I want to do that will happen in the next few hours. For example, I want to work on revising a story I am almost done with. Or, I want to use my arm bike and watch Stranger Things this evening. I want to bake an apple cake with my son! Etc. Then I tell myself I am going to be here until I do that thing, because that thing sounds nice. And I just really focus on how that one thing is going to happen and I want it to happen. Once that thing happens, I pick the next small thing. Then, repeat. Still an experiment in progress.
Reading: Norman Mailer’s The Executioner’s Song. An amazing book and ideal for insomaniacs as it is very long (1,000+ pages) and not available as an audiobook. So I would never have the time to read it were it not for my sleepless nights. But man, the ending is so beautiful, and also so bleak. The book is a masterpiece in its ability to make every one of its characters human and relatable, including Gary Gilmore (check out a fascinating photo of him here), the convict who murdered two people and ended up being executed by the state of Utah. Also Lincoln in the Bardo. An almost perfect book. Daring, heartfelt, moving, funny…and the audio book rocks. Also my kids have insisted I read the Mighty Jack series as well as all three Zita the Spacegirl graphic novels (all of these books by Ben Hatke). I really loved the first Mighty Jack, where a boy gives away his mom’s car in exchange for some magical seeds. He does this because his assumedly autistic sister speaks about the seeds. That’s a great set-up for a story.
Watching: I’ve gotten kind of tired of movies this past year–something artificial or forced about having to wrap things up in about 2 hours. Instead, I’ve been watching more TV shows, Just finished The Bridge (Bron / Broen – the Nordic version), season 3. Heartbroken that season is over. I am in love with the two detectives in that show. I’ll write more about it later. Also loving Lady Dynamite, Maria Bamford’s Netflix series. It’s a great funny smart show about mental illness that has kept my spirits up during broken leg recovery. And Stranger Things. I love so many things about this show, but most of all for the character of Will’s mom, a mom who believes her missing son is still alive, even if such belief makes her appear insane. She toes the line between insanity and other worldly stuff, which is a fascinating and complex line that fantasy or horror tends to ignore.
Leg update: I told my husband, people ask me what happened, and I tell them I have a broken leg, and then they get really quiet. He informed me it is obvious I have a broken leg, and maybe instead I should try saying, “I had a hiking accident.” This has turned out to be a much better answer and generally has made for longer conversations. Though I still struggle with talking about the whole incident casually, and turning it into a neat little story with a happy ending — look, I’m healing! etc. That somehow seems to do a disservice to the violence of the whole incident. I miss my surgeon in Saranac Lake. It’s weird thinking that my leg is just one of many legs that he has operated on and will continue to operate on. He does appear to have a LinkedIn page but I am guessing that is creepy, when your patients want to be a contact. Being a surgeon must be an amazing job. You are putting people back together, and you get to see parts of them that they themselves will never get to see.
The language of surgeons: I received a record of the postoperative report, dictated at either 1:40 a.m. or 2:23 a.m. on August 22. I find the language fascinating and oddly moving (maybe because it’s about me?). But there are also these lovely turns of phrases – my leg was “draped in a standard fashion” and how my patellar tendon was “carefully retracted medially, ” and how “across the fracture site held a nice position.” I wish I knew where my surgeon was, what kind of room he was in, when he recorded this and how soon after the actual surgery. I think judging by the time it was fairly immediate. Still, how could someone remember all these details? This is as close as I can get to the iphone photo I wish someone took of my surgery, which is a weird impulse that kind of disturbs me, but I want to see a photo of it anyway. What was the expression on my face? I find it fascinating and odd that I have no memory of the time, and this surgeon, and all the people who participated in the surgery, know more about what was happening then to my body than I did or do. Anyhow, here it the report:
The patient was placed on the operating table in the spine position, placed under general anesthesia, and the leg was prepped with triple prep and draped in a standard fashion. The leg was exsanguinated with elevation only, no Esmarch bandage was used, and tourniquet was inflated to 250 mmHg. A closed reduction of the fracture was obtained and the fracture was held with traction and on the radiolucent triangles. A longitudinal incision over the patellar tendon was made through the skin and subcutaneous tissue and a longitudinal incision in the patellar tendon was performed and it was carefully retracted medially and laterally giving access to the proximal tibia. The guide pin was advanced under fluoroscopic evaluation and found intraosseous. Then reamed over that with a 8-mm reamer and then used the beaded guidewire to advance it to the proximal aspect of the tibia mid shaft across the fracture side into the distal tibia. It was noted to be a nondisplaced posterior malleolar fracture. We then began serial reaming the tibia and decided that a size 9.3 nail would be the appropriate size, so we did ream to 10.5 5 and then 11.5 proximally. With the fracture in a reduced fashion, we advanced the 9.3 x 34 mm nail proximally across the diaphysis of the tibia across the fracture site and into the distal tibia in appropriate position. The fracture was well reduced in the AP lateral projection. we then did a static locking screw proximally, drilled off the guide itself medially medial to lateral, drilled both cortices and then placed in the 3.5 cortical screw. We then went to the distal aspect and did a medial to lateral screw using the perfect circle technique and a 3.5 screw was used there and then with the foot in a dorsiflexion position to keep the posterior malleolar fracture reduced, we did an anterior posterior 3.5 locking screw with perfect circles and that across the fracture site held a nice position. The area was widely irrigated. All the incisions were irrigated. The incisions were closed with the 3-0 Monocryl and staples. We did put a 5 mm end cap in case the nail needs to come out some other time. The insertion site was irrigated out. The patellar tendon was closed side-to-side fashion with a 2-0 Vicryl. The peritenon was closed with 3-0 Monocryl, subcutaneous tissue closed with 3-0 Moncryl and staples. Sterile dressing was placed and a posterior splint was applied and the patient transferred to recovery room in stable condition.
It’s been 2.5 weeks since I slid a few feet down a mountain, broke my ankle and the tibia and fibula bones in my leg, got helicoptered out, and had a surgery called Open Reduction and International Fixation, meaning I now have a rod and several screws in my leg and will get stopped whenever I go through metal detector (I think that last detail is kind of cool, at least in theory. At least my kids think it’s cool). I have spent most of my post-accident time staring at a lot of things. The lake outside my hospital room in the Adirondacks (Saranac Lake). The bright blue bruising on my thigh and big toe. The weird swollen transformation of my left leg. The mountains I wasn’t climbing. The photos my husband took of the people who helped rescue me and also the photo of me flying through the air on a harness up toward the helicopter. I thought I would also get a lot of reading and writing done. Or at least I could get caught up on email. But apparently you can’t read or write on OxyCodone. At least I couldn’t.
Now that I am no longer in constant pain, and I’m off prescription pain killers (yes! because that was scary), it seems a good time to ease back into writing. But my brain is frustratingly resistant to this plan. I wonder why. Self defense? Denial? An absorption of bad habits (I did a lot of googling in the hospital so why not just keep googling away the mornings)? Laziness? Tiredness? Inertia? Self-pity? Disinterest? I’m hoping to ignore all of the unhelpful signals I’m sending myself right now (don’t write don’t write don’t write) (instead of writing, sleep! Stare out the window! Make granola! Buy weird things on Amazon! Do yoga! Sleep! Watch your leg!) and instead force myself to sit in this now uncomfortable desk chair and do the work. My plan: write 140 characters for Twitter. Write a few blog posts. Do some critique-free journaling about details of the accident. Respond to some writing related emails. Find a way to sit comfortably with my leg elevated. Send out a few stories to journals/magazines. Then start on a children’s story. Then get back to the monster project I was working on (before the “vacation”) about the end of the world.
Thoughts about my accident and writing: I fell several feet coming down from Algonquin in the Adirondacks at a steep part of the trail. I must have landed in the worst way possible because several feet is not that far to fall. I don’t remember falling, but I remember suddenly being on my back, and a man — Tim, who I like to think of as my guardian stranger–rushed over and said, “Are you okay?” and “Oh God,” and “You are really hurt. You have a bad injury.” and “Are you hiking alone?” I looked at my leg and saw something was very wrong with it, it was twisted at an odd terrible angle, so I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again for a long time. Tim called for my husband. “Your wife is hurt,” he shouted. “Come quickly!” My husband must have started running, as Tim added, “Not that quick,” worried there would be another fall. Tim held onto my left hand. With my right hand, I gripped my husband’s arm and left nail marks in his skin as they tried to straighten out and stabilize my leg. My daughter’s stuffed animal lamb was used as a cushion. I really wanted someone to stick something in my mouth that I could bite down on, a stick, or ? That idea didn’t seem to go anywhere. At least no one agreed to put a stick in my mouth. Tim covered me with his rain coat. Passing hikers stopped by and asked how they could help. I was hysterical for a while. I asked my husband to shoot me. We didn’t have a gun, of course. All we had was Advil. Time slowed. My daughter held my hand and touched my face. This was not how I wanted my children to see me. I needed both of my hands held at all times as that grounded me. My legs were shaking and my teeth were chattering though I wasn’t cold, and the shaking made the pain worse. My husband tried to distract me by reading Castle of Llyr to my kids and to me. That book unfortunately is my least favorite Chronicles of Pyrdian book. Somehow our cell phones worked. A younger couple had called 911 and was connected with DEC dispatch, and was told a helicopter and some rangers were coming out, resulting in the longest 2.5 hours of my life. The rescue helicopter arrived, hovered over us, then flew off, then circled back again, hovered, and flew off. The helicopter blades created a tremendous noise and its wind shook the trees. The fly-bys were because the pilot had to burn fuel before evacuating me from the mountain. Something about the warmer weather. I closed my eyes and pretended the helicopter was never going to come, that this was my new reality, lying in the middle of the trail with my destroyed leg surrounded by my pain. When I opened my eyes, a ranger was next to me, preparing the harness. I assumed I would be getting pain meds. I assumed I would be taken up in some kind of cot-like stretcher. But no pain meds and no stretcher. At some point my husband was busy preparing to help move me to the pick-up spot, while my daughter was helping radio the helicopter, which meant no one was holding my hand. The feeling of my hand adrift left me panicked. I began opening and closing my hand, and when Tim saw this, he held onto me. The ranger said, “Grab onto this here, but don’t touch that,” pointing to the contraption that would be hooked into the wire lowering down from the helicopter. I didn’t totally understand but then that might have been the point of the situation, a lack of recognizable logic and sense.
When I’ve gone through traumatic and difficult events in the past, I’ve always felt like I’ve had two selves experiencing the scene: my writing self and my regular self. The writing self takes a step back, taking notice of small details, and points out interesting observations, assuring me that whatever I am going through, it will be worthwhile, as I might be able to use it in my writing somehow. This accident was strange because it was like my writing self jumped ship and abandoned me, and all I had was myself, freaking out from the pain, and from the uncertainty about how and when I was going to get down the mountain.
Still, I knew I wanted a notebook with me as a kind of talisman. When the helicopter was on its way, I asked my husband to gather together a few items I could bring to the hospital. My phone, insurance card, kindle, and most importantly this green notebook and pen. I kept repeating myself, asking him to make sure the notebook would go with me. I imagined writing down a narrative of the accident, and writing down how it felt to be raised in a harness toward a hovering helicopter, meaning I left my children and husband below on the ground, while the sun was about to settle behind the mountains, knowing my family still had three hours of hiking left to go. The final light on the tops of the trees was golden and powerful. That narrative never emerged. I would go on to write only three small pages over the next 2 days in the hospital, and after that, up until this point, I’ve written nothing. I want to understand this block, my disinterest, for the first time, in recording a dramatic life-changing event. But I don’t understand it. I only know it’s still there and I still need to push against it, this curtain surrounding the actual experience around which it’s very difficult to form the words.
I think part of the difficulty in writing about this is that it was a freak accident. No one can be blamed. I was wearing trusty hiking boots and poles. I was going slowly. It was just that the trail was wet. Everyone was slipping. My husband had slipped minutes before. A woman had slipped and split open her arm a few minutes before that. Me crashing down there and having surgery and having to hobble about on crutches seems to be serving no higher or interesting or illuminating purpose. There seems to be a lack of complexity in this situation and perhaps the point of view that I’m most familiar with–mine–is the least interesting and most predictable point of view, for storytelling purposes at least.
When the author Colum McCann spoke in Syracuse last year, he touched upon an assault he experienced after intervening in a domestic dispute, and how afterwards, something changed in him, and he felt it necessary to go back and revise most of the stories in his upcoming book Thirteen Ways of Looking. It sounded like he gained some deep understanding through his own pain and from the violence inflicted on him from another person. Is it different when one’s physical injury comes from an accident? In such a situation, can anything be gained?
I think so, though some of the revelations I’ve had are very personal and perhaps less relevant to everyone else. For instance, I had never before reached my limits of how much physical pain I can endure. Now I can say that I’ve been there to that bleak place. Previously the most pain I felt was natural childbirth, which didn’t come close to approaching the feeling of having my leg splinted sans painkillers before I was taken up in the helicopter. (I also wonder productive pain–i.e. you will have a baby when you’re done with this!–may be easier to bear than non-productive pain.) I would like someday to try and describe the experience of that pain more, how animalistic it was, overriding any rational thought and hope. How even though it lasted only 2 minutes, that time expanded and became everything. I think I may only be able to describe it through metaphor.
Another revelation: there is still such kindness in the world. How beautifully intuitive it is, to reach out toward a person in enormous pain and hold their hand. The fact that humanity is still a kind species is so easy to forget if you read the news. There are so many little incidents of kindness that I’ve experienced these past two weeks. How the man who held my hand on the mountain, Tim, walked with my family down the mountain in the dark back to our cabin. How he offered to carry my daughter when she started hiking slowly. The PA at Lake Placid who told me I needed to have surgery. After he told me this, I began crying, and he placed his hand on my arm. After feeling such enormous pain in my leg, his simple touch was a revelation, compassionate and gentle. The high school girl who kept me company beside Heart Lake and I swear I saw in her glimpses of my 8 year old daughter. I thought, I am seeing how good and kind and empathetic my future daughter is going to be. It was a beautiful vision and I was so grateful for it. Everyone who shared their stories of how they healed from similar injuries. The woman in her 80’s who was grocery shopping in Lake Placid, she was leaving the store bathroom while I was entering, and she held the door for me. A minute later, she re-entered the bathroom, and said she was going to wait for me, because the door was very heavy and she didn’t want me to be trapped in the bathroom with my crutches. While I washed my hands, she struggled with the automatic paper towel machine and handed me a neatly folded paper towel. It’s not like she was in great health herself. She told me she was a retired nurse and knew how hard it was getting around on crutches. She opened the bathroom door for me, which wasn’t a simple task for her either–what’s up with such heavy non-automatic bathroom doors, people?!–and then she wished me luck and went on her way.
We have the occasional family movie night over here, which started as a way for me to keep sane while my husband was in a long distance master’s program which required him to be gone anywhere from 4 days to 2 weeks every other weekend. But it ended up being pretty fun watching movies with the kids so we kept the tradition going. We all take turns choosing the film, meaning our movie watching history is quite varied, encompassing Spy Kids, Irving Berlin’s Easter Parade, Big Hero 6, Kiki’s Delivery Service, and Singin’ in the Rain.
This past weekend was my turn to pick, and I decided it was time to introduce Hitchcock to my kids. My dad is a huge movie buff–he also collects and sells 16mm film and fixes projectors–so I grew up in a house dripping in movie history. My dad’s approach to movies certainly shaped my approach to reading: he loves movies unabashedly, with little regard to genre labels. Mystery, horror, sci-fi, fantasy, literary, classics, whatever. So in addition to watching The Blob as a kid (ah, that movie theater scene with the air vents!), and The Attack of the 70-Foot-Women, and Them!, and some movie about brains from outer space, and a whole lot of Twilight Zones, and The Godfather, Hitchcock was thrown into my childhood at some point, and I have fond memories of watching Rope, and Rear Window, and North by Northwest as a kid. (I do not have fond memories of watching Psycho, as I am forever terrified of hotel bathtubs with shower curtains.)
So I’ve made a point to expose my kids to older movies as well. My daughter giggled all through “Make ‘Em Laugh” from Singin’ in the Rain, and we all found Errol Flynn’s 1938 Adventures of Robin Hood to be very, very exciting, though the sound quality sucked. I was a little surprised about cocaine’s appearance in Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times, but, you know, that just kick started the discussion about drugs and addiction that every parent has to have at some point (but did I really want to have that discussion when my daughter was 5? Thanks a lot, Charlie Chaplin).
For Hitchcock, I started off by showing my kids this spectacular preview to North by Northwest:
My 10-year-old son thought Hitchcock was hilarious. My daughter, now 7, got excited about the action scenes.
North by Northwest went over great. I mean, it’s not the perfect kid’s film using today’s definition of “kid film.” The drinking scene needed some explanation (Cary Grant’s character Roger Thornhill is forced to drink too much bourbon then he’s forced to drive his car in an attempt to kill him). And some of the, what to call it, romantic (?) dialogue between Roger and Eve Kendall was waaaaaaay over the top (Roger: The moment I meet an attractive woman, I have to start pretending I have no desire to make love to her. / Eve: What makes you think you have to conceal it? / Roger: She might find the idea objectionable./ Eve: Then again, she might not.) But I’ll take that kind of stuff to the choppy, non-stop frantic energy of today’s current films that are marketed to children. Kids, it’s assumed, are unable to or unwilling to linger.
What surprised me most about re-watchng North by Northwest is the varied pacing. In particular, when Hitchcock slowed things waaaaaaaaaay down. Take, for instance, the Indiana scene, my favorite in the movie.
I would describe the scene as David Lynchian or maybe Fargo/Coen brothers-ish, but Hitchcock came first, so that comparison doesn’t work. But I love how everything is held a little too long. Other directors might have had one car pass Cary Grant by. Other directors might have shortened the interaction with the man waiting for the bus. But that slow pace built such tension as we sat watching the film nervously, our nervousness building with each passing encounter, until the crop duster descends and tries to mow Cary Grant down in the scene that follows. I believe something can be gained here from thinking about this scene in the context of writing, and genre writing in particular: that there is a place for moments of languid and quiet pacing even in such stories. (I ponder pacing and genre more here and here.)
My therapist has been bringing up anti-depressants every few months since I started seeing her in December 2015. The first time, I said there was no way I was going to take medication. My response was like a reflex. Where does such a reflex come from? Partly, I think I wanted to love my brain as it was. I wanted to think my brain was normal and good and, on the days when my brain did not treat me kindly, that I could wrestle it back into shape using behavior modifications, exercise, and my writing. My depression has never been the debilitating, can’t get out of bed sort. It’s chronic and low grade with occasional dips into major depression mixed with suicidal ideation. It’s not pleasant, but most of the time I can appear functional, and sometimes my brain will start doing some weird warped thinking that I can put into a story.
The second time my therapist brought up antidepressants, I said I’d think about it, and I thought about it for a few days, and then I said again, no way! I love my brain! And, to be honest, I had become very interested in writing about, and through, the low points of my depression. I felt like I was being given an opportunity to explore this weird dark murky awful landscape as a writer, and the writing I did while in such a place was dark, murky, weird, but also interesting to me.
Then recently I had a Very Bad Weekend, where my suicidal ideation ratcheted up a step, and it freaked me out a little, and also I was spending so much energy trying to answer the question “Do I want to be here anymore?” that I was having trouble doing anything else for a few days other than surviving and writing. (An awful complex fact: I think the writing I did during this time is actually pretty fascinating, and weird, and dark. I’m hoping to turn it into a creative non-fiction piece. So I don’t think my depression ever ruined my writing, though it did narrow the focus of my writing to me me me me me.) At my next appointment, my therapist brought up medication again, citing some reasonable evidence based data: that meds + therapy have been shown to be more effective than meds or therapy on their own. That I have been working very hard at therapy for 1.5 years and maybe it was time to try something a little different. She mentioned the possibility that maybe I didn’t have to go through so much suffering in order to write or to live my life. She doesn’t believe that artists need to be depressed in order to be good deep artists. Sometimes freeing one’s self from depression can actually help one’s art, she said. I said okay, yeah, I’ll think about it, and this time, I did actually do some thinking and some questioning.
Here’s what I thought about. How useful was my suffering or my depression? And who was it useful to? Was it useful to my writing? What kind of writer would I be without my depression, and without access to that very deep dark hole of a place in which I fell from to time? Would taking meds mean I was agreeing that my brain wasn’t normal? Was I just buying into society’s idea of a normal brain? What if my husband liked me better on meds? What if I liked myself better on medication? Was I participating in the over-medicating of American society if I started taking anti-depressants? What would meds do my writing? And, of course, there was the question, how much did I want to be here?
I had no idea the answers to any of these questions, so I started reading about writers and medication, or at least googling about it. I found some essays on line.
“When I look back on the writing I did during the 18 months or so that I was on SSRIs, it doesn’t seem terrible. Actually I won two awards that year for journalism, something that never happened to me before and hasn’t happened to me since. But I don’t think my fiction was all it could have been. There was a blankness to it. I feel like when I’m writing something worth reading, I’m doing two things: I’m saying something, but at the same time I’m reacting to what I’m saying, and I’m building that reaction into the next thing I say — I’m iterating, feeding back into myself, forming strange loops. Somehow that second stage wasn’t firing while I was on Serzone. The loop wasn’t looping.”
“The fact is I was falling in love. With Wellbutrin. I had found my drug. I could get out of bed in the morning. I did less ruminative thinking. I didn’t write and rewrite the same sentence 50 times. Whereas before I would get stuck and blocked ten times a day, now I kept on bulling forward. It was like I’d been water-skiing my whole life, but the boat had been going at half-speed, and I kept sinking down into the water until it burbled up around my knees and eventually I dropped the rope and fell over. Now the boat was going full speed. I was skipping along. I was finally getting somewhere.”
In 2013, Alex Preston seems to suggest in The Guardian that antidepressants are mostly bad for one’s creativity, though occasionally the drugs are portrayed as a necessary evil, depending on who you ask.
“Within three weeks of my own Prozac fog lifting, I was writing again. Yes, I still felt down, so down some days that I couldn’t work and buried my head under the duvet, but the trade-off was days when my fingers couldn’t move fast enough over the keyboard, my pen struck sparks from the page. In Deborah Levy’s Swimming Home, the heroine, Kitty Finch, has just quit Seroxat. “It’s quite a relief to feel miserable again,” she says. “I don’t feel anything when I take my pills.” It’s been five years since I took my last SSRI. The happiness I get from my writing is deeper seated and more authentic than anything that could be confected in the laboratories of Big Pharma. The drugs didn’t work for me and, more importantly, I couldn’t work when I was on them.”
“I agree that powerful art is created out of a deep need, and bears the imprint of the essential raw self or soul. But if my anxiety really is a biological disorder, as doctors and psychologists have repeatedly insisted, then my essential self isn’t the anxious thoughts and existential dread I used to constantly feel. My essential self would lie underneath the layers of catastrophic images and anguished mental chatter. It’s possible that the medicines I take could help me travel a clearer and more direct path to that place, avoiding the potholes and back alleys of phobias, anxiety, and panic. Though it takes more discipline to sit down and write now, since I am not doing so to save my life, I am practicing writing from a place of curiosity rather than pain, fascination rather than desperation, forging my way more safely into a different dark.”
“Lexapro turned me into a zombie, riding through the motions of life without feeling. Things that made me angry became irrelevant. There was no twinge of sadness watching Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. If you’re wondering whether something is off, that’s a sure sign. Whenever I picked up a pen to write, I had nothing. I couldn’t even write about the damn rain. If you’re a creative writer who can’t poetically describe the rain, you’re in trouble.”
There are a lot of forums where people who enjoy writing at various levels say antidepressants either killed their creativity or it was okay or maybe it even helped (here’s one discussion at reddit).
“I write more frequently now, because I don’t have to fight against the fatigue and hopelessness to even get started on a story. I did have a bit of an adjustment period in my work, but that could be attributed as much to how I drank pre-meds as anything; I had to encourage myself to write as fearlessly sober as I did drunk. The idea that medication is guaranteed to ruin your work is horseshit. Yes, some people have reported that, but others have had the opposite experience, and I can’t help but wonder how many people have avoided a treatment that could’ve saved their lives based on that fear.”
And then there are the numerous articles and more articles and even more articles about how we are an over-medicated society. This 2 part book review, by Marcia Angell in the New York Review of Books in 2011, is kind of famous (here’s part 1 and part 2) (Peter Kramer, noted below, does not find Angell’s arguments to be accurate, by the way).
“The books by Irving Kirsch, Robert Whitaker, and Daniel Carlat are powerful indictments of the way psychiatry is now practiced. They document the “frenzy” of diagnosis, the overuse of drugs with sometimes devastating side effects, and widespread conflicts of interest. Critics of these books might argue, as Nancy Andreasen implied in her paper on the loss of brain tissue with long-term antipsychotic treatment, that the side effects are the price that must be paid to relieve the suffering caused by mental illness. If we knew that the benefits of psychoactive drugs outweighed their harms, that would be a strong argument, since there is no doubt that many people suffer grievously from mental illness. But as Kirsch, Whitaker, and Carlat argue convincingly, that expectation may be wrong.”
Even my beloved Dr. Weil chimed in on the overmedication of America in The New York Times this week (by the way, what Dr. Weil says below sounds like an extreme generalization and does not sound like a good idea or a viable solution):
“Here’s another example: I would only use antidepressants for very severe depression and then only for a year at most. With long-term use, they can intensify or prolong depression. For mild to moderate depressions I would try other measures: regular exercise, reducing caffeine, acupuncture, cognitive therapy, vitamins B and D, St. John’s Wort, fish oil — and spending more time in the company of happier people.”
There has been some pushback to the overmedicated narrative thankfully, though I think those voices are generally quieter. One example is Peter Kramer’s Ordinary Well: The Case for Antidepressants. I just started reading this book, and it is great so far.
“To state Kramer’s position bluntly, SSRIs work—not all the time, and not for all people, but in lots of ways for lots of people. How they work remains a partial mystery, and how well they work has a subjective component—as do the afflictions the drugs treat—but murky borders do not mean there is no country. Pharmaceutical companies may have pushed a cartoon claim of “chemical imbalance” to suggest that some people need supplementary serotonin the way others need extra iron, but Kramer bases his assessment on 30 years of clinical experience as well as his own immersion in the literature of drug trials.”
Armed with such random and inclusive research, I decided to keep researching. Because I like research! And as long as I was researching, I could put off the decision of whether or not to start taking meds. I kept talking to my therapist about medication. I wrote to one of my favorite writers Andrew Solomon, who has struggled with depression, to get his opinion. Andrew Solomon generously wrote back this very solid advice:
“If you look at my books, you will see that antidepressants have not gotten in the way of my writing as well as I ever have. If you try the meds and feel they interfere with your writing, you can stop taking them (under a physician’s directions). If you never try them, you’ll never know.”
I thought about Daphne Merkin, who wrote This Close to Happy, a beautiful memoir about depression, while on meds. I thought about how 25% of American women aged 40-50 are on antidepressants, a fact which freaks me out and makes me so sad (what is it about this world that makes so many women that age incompatible with living happily on the planet)?
I told my sister I was worried my writing would suck on meds. She asked me, “Would you rather write well and be miserable, or be happy and not writing well?” I said, “I think not writing well would make me miserable.” The deep dips of my depression had been giving me something to write about or write against. My therapist said maybe not being depressed will give me more energy and focus to write. But usually I had been able to write through my depression, and I wasn’t often distracted by it, except when I felt compelled to research the effectiveness of various suicide methods, which I always felt could be used for a story, anyway.
I talked with the writers in my writing group. One friend asked did I know how many writers were on meds? Another said we were talking about SSRI’s here, right? It’s not like we were talking about clozapine. I tried to explain my hesitation: I wanted to love my brain as it was. “Well, fine,” said a friend, “go ahead and choose to be miserable!” But it was more complicated than that. I was exhausted from my suicidal ideation that had been haunting me for years. I was tired of having to justify my life to myself, which, on good days, I kind of could do, and on bad days, I couldn’t. But I wanted the world to go on meds instead of me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen.
So I picked up the phone, called my primary care physician, and made an appointment.
My primary care physician is a lovely MD with a holistic bent. She likes yoga, lentils, and breathing exercises, and she has never in the 15 years I’ve known her been an enthusiastic prescriber of drugs. This is one reason why I like her. But I thought my situation would be an exception. When I went in and said, “I’m depressed! I want anti-depressants!”, it’s true I expected fanfare, or at least for her to say, “Congratulations! You’re here after hours and hours and days and weeks of research and thinking! You’ve made a healthy decision! You are not ruining your writing in any way!” Instead my doctor looked disappointed. She promised that she would write me a prescription, but then went on to talk to me about diet changes, positive thinking, meditation, and walking for a long time. I felt like a junkie. This was not the response I was looking for. I left thinking, have I not tried enough? Are weekly therapy sessions, and trying to implement a whole host of healthier thinking habits, and having an emergency plan, and a list of coping strategies, and yoga, and running when I’m not injured, not enough? On the one hand, I appreciate the amount of time my doctor spent with me. On the other hand, I think (and hope) antidepressants are warranted with depression, and with some kinds of depression, lifestyle changes are not a substitute for meds.
I started taking a low dose of generic Lexapro.
I’ll be honest, at first I felt like I was poisoning myself. I know that sounds dramatic. But my body physically felt so bad, bad headaches, nausea, like I had the flu. I thought it was my body’s last ditch effort, that it was crying, “Please, please, stop!” Then the tiredness set in. I didn’t tell my husband I was trying out meds for the first two weeks. Instead, I pretended I was sick. I’m not sure I’d recommend this approach, but that’s what I did. I didn’t want to have my husband say, “I am so excited that I will not have a super depressed spouse anymore, hooray, go medication go! Can you take more or maybe up the dosage?” (I did eventually tell him, and he did not say any of this). I listened to a lot of The Hilarious World of Depression podcasts during this time. It’s a brilliant, lovely show where comedians talk about their experience with depression, and a lot of them are on medication or have used medication to get through their depression, and it was such a healing relief to hear creative funny people talk about meds in a positive light.
After a week, the headaches and nausea did go away. The tiredness didn’t. It’s still here, in fact, sitting in my lap. It’s a tiredness that reminds me of how I felt when I had a nursing newborn in bed, and I would wake up in the morning feeling like I hadn’t slept, and then I’d continue to feel that way the entire day. It’s a tiredness that is like a weight attached to my limbs. It’s uncomfortable and a pain.
The good things about medication? I am able to talk to my husband again in the evenings. That voice in my head exhausted me to such a degree that all I wanted after dinner was quiet, which is fine if you have a quiet spouse or if you don’t have a spouse at all, and also if you don’t have any kids, but I have a spouse, and he likes to talk, and I have kids. Also I feel like my sadness has a floor on it now. I’ve only cried once in the last 4 weeks. I am not thinking of suicide every day or multiple times a day. Last week I didn’t think about it once. Things bother me less. Should things bother me more? Probably. But it is relaxing, to not watch the evening explode or catch on fire or burn down after one bad interaction with my husband or my children. And sometimes it’s nice to be able to not be thinking anything.
How has SSRI’s affected my writing?
The first week (which, I know, everyone says is too soon to feel any real effects, but whatever), I felt like a voice was shut off in my head. Sure, it was the voice that had been set on loop, the voice that would get stuck and tell me all sorts of awful things about myself and then go on repeat, or it would remind me, when I was really down, of the various ways that one could kill themselves. I realize none of that is at all useful. But that same voice would sometimes point out a reality not available to everyone else, a reality I wanted to write about. I miss that voice. The first week I imagined that poor voice bound and gagged and hurt. My therapist suggested there is a way to get the good parts of that voice back, but I don’t know how to do that yet.
When I first started to take meds, I would sit down to write, and all I heard, instead of that familiar voice, was,”OH MY GOD I AM MEDICATION, OH MY GOD I AM MEDICATION.” I was very self-conscious. I would change a word in a sentence and then go back and examine the change, and wonder, is this change any good? Would I have made this same change before medication or would I have been able to come up with a better word? This did not help my writing any. But eventually I chilled. This took 1 week, maybe 2. I got to the point where I might remind myself, “You’re on meds!” and the response would not be a freak-out but something more civil, like, “Yeah, I am.”
Once the panic subsided, it seems like I’m able to revise just fine, though the tiredness is an issue, and I tend to start falling asleep half an hour after I start writing, which means a long nap, from which I wake up cranky, because I hate naps, and after I write for a little more, I start falling asleep again. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist and trying out an anti-depressant that isn’t known for fatigue. (It will be hard for me not to go in and say, “I want Wellbutrin!” As that is what Lev Grossman likes and used while writing the later books of his Magician series, and I like Lev Grossman, and I like his writing. But I need to remember Lev Grossman has his own brain and I have mine, and each brain’s response to medication is so personal and unique) (though I still might go in to the psychiatrists office and say this anyway, as I am tired of being tired).
In terms of subject matter, I don’t have the same drive or obsession to be examining my sadness and my depression in my writing. Is this a good or a bad thing? Perhaps it was time to move on. I probably have way too many pages written on this topic. It might be exciting to write about something more outside of myself. I don’t know. There certainly is less of an urgency to write as well, though I’m still writing just as much. It just takes more internal motivation. Maybe it’s that writing is no longer so tied to my survival. Will that affect the quality of my writing? I don’t know. I have to imagine this change will be reflected in my stories somehow. But I know a lot of great writers have not written out of a sense of survival. And I’m sure a lot of great writers have.
Am I part of the overmedication of America? Part of me thinks that a person’s individual depression, or anxiety, or reasons for taking medication is so complex, that perhaps everyone should mind their own business and stop being so judgmental about what medicine other people are taking. For me, the decision to take medication felt necessary, if I wanted to stick around, and it was through no lack of effort on my part. And I don’t think medication is so great that I would ever want to be on it if it wasn’t necessary. It’s not like, whoo-hoo I’m exhausted, and I want to take a nap, and I don’t care so much about so many things anymore, this is awesome!
Sometimes I feel like a character in one of my stories, who takes a pill so that she can be altered enough to allow her to stay in her current life. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, I suppose, other than I would like my unaltered brain and my current life and the world to be a better match.
“For Lewis it was a decision between writing on Prozac or not writing at all. For Keeril Makan, the choice was rather different. One of America’s most celebrated young composers, he struggled for years with a depression that would often find vivid reflection in his work. He describes his music as “informed, almost viscerally, by my depression”, and spiky, atonal pieces such as The Noise Between Thoughts attack the listener with a bleak physical force. Finally, though, he reached a point at which he had to step away from the darkness. “Although I was still composing,” he told me, “it was such an excruciating process and was putting me in contact with these really difficult emotional places. I couldn’t go on with my daily life. I was creating music I was happy with and people were interested in, but I had to live as well.”
He started taking the antidepressant Wellbutrin and meditating, and found that his music gained a new depth as he dragged himself out of his depression. “Being on the antidepressants does change the type of emotions I’m experiencing,” he said, “but I think they can be just as interesting. If anything, this helps the composing. I was working on an opera recently and I don’t think I could have written it before. I was too one-dimensional, emotionally. Things were just dark but now there’s both – dark and light.” I confessed to admiring the raw power of his early work and he chuckled. “It’s true that I’m not as fully immersed in darkness as previously, but I guess I don’t care, because I couldn’t keep doing that. It was a question of living, or creating this music that was negative and violent. I made my choice.”
I’m still treating this whole thing as an experiment.